Anna Moore

Some mornings I wonder if it will be the day.

I wake up, roll out of bed and try not to wake up Blake as I do my morning routine to get the usual things in motion. I brush my teeth, put on some clothes that are comfortable and then make my way downstairs for the simple joy that kicks off the day — coffee.

It’s like a sense of normalcy during the ongoing global pandemic. I treasure it.

But somewhere between my first few sips to the minutes before I begin working for the day, my reality sets in once again. “Will this be the day things change?” I wonder.

Like many cases, it could just be another day, which is the very thing that has become my fear. Another day. Just the norm. Nothing changes. It all stays the same. Again. And again.

My heart races. Tears well up in my eyes. My face gets hot. I struggle with my own breathing. Panic attacks have happened. Anxiety. Depression. This is my reality.

“Stuck.”

I’ve used that word both with my husband and my therapist because it explains how I feel and how I’ve felt for too many weeks, and months, to count.

Have you ever experienced anything like this? You’re waiting for breakthrough and before you know it, months go by and you’re in the exact same position. Your days seem repetitive. Your purpose feels minimized most days. You know the enemy is eating up every ounce of your disappointment.

Waiting for that change. Waiting for rescue, almost.

Eleven years ago my mother suffered an illness that kept her in the hospital for four months. We were told she wouldn’t make it. We waited for her to get better as she lay asleep and usually knocked out in a hospital bed. My dad sat in her hospital room in a chair and…waited. Days went by and not much change occurred. Dad prayed. Dad worshiped in his own ways.

I think the hardest thing we have to do as humans is wait for something we heavily desire, and as Christians, we are forced to wrestle with the pruning that comes during the waiting. “What is God trying to show me here?” “How can I count it all joy right now?” “What needs to be accomplished before that breakthrough happens?” “How can I make the most of my time right now as I wait?” “What are you doing up there, God?” All of those questions I’ve asked.

I feel like I pray all the time, and I try to worship and see the good in what’s going on. It’s still hard.

I was reading a newsletter by Lauren Bowerman recently that shared a little of her own struggle with waiting for her circumstance to change. She said something that instantly caught my attention: “Still waiting. Still existing in this broken world and this broken body. Still trying to figure out how to hold these things in tension – brokenness and joy, disappointment and hope, the hard and the good.“

While my situation isn’t exactly like hers, I feel the weight of those words so deep. How do we hold brokenness and joy, disappointment and hope, the hard and the good in tension? Half of these things are not like the others. I know God works out all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28) but when things seem to be less than ideal circumstances, faith really has to take shape. This is why I chose “surrender” as my word, because I want to give this giant shadow lurking around with me to Him and to entrust Him with it as He works out all the details I don’t see or understand right now.

I’m constantly reminded how broken we are as people as I face my own struggles and sin, and how broken the world is. When my situation gets frustrating and seems to consume my thoughts, I try to remember the one constant thing in my life and the only thing that is certain and true: God. He is bigger than my situation. Bigger than COVID-19. Bigger than racism. He is holy. He is perfect. He is good. He holds my future. He is mine, and I am His.

This won’t last forever. I don’t have to wait forever.

So I continue in my temporary waiting, I continue praying, I worship who He is and I keep my hope in the One who knows what I need and when I need it. In His timing, and in His way, my situation might change. If it doesn’t, I can hold onto the promise that I won’t have to go through this forever. One day, all things will be made new, and that will be the day this change for good.

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Revelation 21:5